Mortimas.com

difference between liberals and conservatives

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 01:40:00 +0000

If you ever
>
> >
> wondered what side of
> the fence you
> > sit on, this is a
> >
> great test!
> >
> > Lot of truth
> >
> here!
> >
> > If a conservative doesn't like
> >
> guns, he doesn`t buy
> one.
> > If a liberal doesn't
> >
> like guns, he wants
> all guns
> >
> outlawed.
> >
> > If a conservative is a
> >
> vegetarian, he
> doesn`t eat
> > meat.
> > If a liberal
> >
> is a vegetarian, he
> wants all meat
> > products banned for
> >
> everyone.
> >
> > If a conservative is
> >
> homosexual, he
> quietly leads his
> > life.
> > If a
> >
> liberal is
> homosexual, he demands
> > legislated
> >
> respect.
> >
> > If a conservative is
> >
> down-and-out, he
> thinks about how
> > to better his
> >
> situation.
> > A liberal wonders who is going to
> >
> take care of him.
> >
> > If a conservative
> >
> doesn't like a talk
> show host,
> > he switches
> >
> channels.
> > Liberals demand that those they don't
> >
> like be shut down.
> >
> > If a conservative
> >
> is a non-believer, he
> doesn't
> > go to church.
> > A
> >
> liberal non-believer
> wants any
> > mention of God and
> >
> religion silenced.
> (Unless it's
> > a foreign religion, of
> >
> course!)
> >
> > If a conservative decides he
> >
> needs health care, he
> goes about
> > shopping for it, or may
> >
> choose a job that
> provides
> > it.
> > A liberal
> >
> demands that the rest
> of us pay for
> >
> >
> his.
> >
> > If a conservative reads this,
> >
> he'll forward it so
> his friends
> > can have a good
> >
> laugh.
> > A liberal will delete it because he's
> >
> "offended".
> >
> > Well I forwarded it to
> >
> you so where does
> that put
> >
>
> > me?

what to do with old bumper cars

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 23:38:00 +0000

What do you do with old Bumper Cars?

Yes, you read that right; these little beasties are street legal. They run on either Kawasaki or Honda motorcycle engines and co-opt vintage bumper car bodies into the most awesome form of mini-car we've seen in too long.

There are seven of these little monsters floating around California , and they're all the creation of one man, Tom Wright, a builder in the outskirts of San Diego who figured the leftovers of the Long Beach Pike amusement park needed a more dignified end than the trash heap. They were originally powered by Harley motors but they rattled too much so Tom replaces them with Honda or Kawasaki 750's and a couple have been measured as capable of 160 MPH, which is terrifyingly fast in machines with such a short wheelbase.

old chinese proverb

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 20:39:00 +0000

Old Chinese Proverb

Confucius say,

“If you are in book store and cannot find

book for which you search …..

you are obviously in………. the………………

axis of idiots

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 03:55:00 +0000

With the election of Obama, I feared the worse. It is worse than I feared
and getting worse with each passing moment!
"The Axis of Idiots"
From the Podium:
J.D. Pendry, Retired Sergeant Major,USMC

[]
FROM THE PODIUM
This retired USMC Sgt. Major has his Stuff together.
Jimmy Carter, you are the father of the Islamic Nazi movement. You threw
the
Shah under the bus, welcomed the Ayatollah home, and then lacked the spine
to confront the terrorists when they took our embassy and our people
hostage. You're the "runner-in-chief."

Bill Clinton, you played ring around the Lewinsky while the terrorists
were at war with us. You got us into a fight with them in Somalia and then you
ran from it. Your weak-willed responses to the USS Cole and the First
Trade Center Bombing and Our Embassy Bombings emboldened the killers. Each time
you failed to respond adequately, they grew bolder, until 9/11/2001.

John Kerry, dishonesty is your most prominent attribute. You lied about
American Soldiers in Vietnam .. Your military service, like your life, is
more fiction than fact. You've accused our military of terrorizing women and
children in Iraq .. You called Iraq the wrong war, wrong place, wrong
time, and the same words you used to describe Vietnam . You're a fake! You want
to run from Iraq and abandon the Iraqis to murderers just as you did to the
Vietnamese. Iraq , like Vietnam , is another war that you were for, before
you were against it.

John Murtha, you said our military was broken. You said we can't win
militarily in Iraq . You accused United States Marines of cold-blooded
murder without proof and said we should redeploy to Okinawa . Okinawa,
John?
And the Democrats call you their military expert! Are you sure you didn't
suffer a traumatic brain injury while you were off building your war hero
resume? You're a sad, pitiable, corrupt, and washed up old fool. You're
not a Marine, sir. You wouldn't amount to a good pimple on a real Marine's
ass.
You're a phony and a disgrace. Run away, John.

Dick Durbin, you accused our Soldiers at Guantanamo of being Nazis,
tenders of Soviet style gulags and as bad as the regime of Pol Pot, who murdered
two million of his own people after your party abandoned Southeast Asia to the
Communists. Now you want to abandon the Iraqis to the same fate. History
was not a good teacher for you, was it? Lord help us! See Dick run.

Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Carl Levine, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein,
Russ Feingold, Pat Leahy, Barack Obama, Chuck Schumer, the Hollywood Leftist
morons, et al, ad nauseam: Every time you stand in front of television
cameras and broadcast to the Islamic Nazis that we went to war because our
President lied, that the war is wrong and our Soldiers are torturers, that
we should leave Iraq, you give the Islamic butchers - the same ones that
tortured and mutilated American Soldiers - cause to think that we'll run
away again, and all they have to do is hang on a little longer. It is
inevitable that we, the infidels, will have to defeat the Islamic jihadists.
Better to do it now on their turf, than later on ours after they have
gained both strength and momentum...

American news media, the New York Times particularly: Each time you
publish stories about national defense secrets and our intelligence gathering
methods, you become one united with the sub-human pieces of camel dung
that torture and mutilate the bodies of American Soldiers. You can't strike up
the courage to publish cartoons, but you can help Al Qaeda destroy my
country. Actually, you are more dangerous to us than Al Qaeda is. Think
about that each time you face Mecca to admire your Pulitzer.

You are America 's 'AXIS OF IDIOTS.' Your Collective Stupidity will
destroy us. Self-serving politics and terrorist-abetting news scoops are more
important to you than our national security or the lives of innocent
civilians and Soldiers It bothers you that defending ourselves gets in the
way of your elitist sport of politics and your ignorant editorializing.
There is as much blood on your hands as is on the hands of murdering
terrorists. Don't ever doubt that. Your frolics will only serve to extend
this war as they extended Vietnam . If you want our Soldiers home as you
claim, knock off the crap and try supporting your country ahead of
supporting your silly political aims and aiding our enemies.

Yes, I'm questioning your patriotism. Your loyalty ends with self. I'm
also questioning why you're stealing air that decent Americans could be
breathing. You don't deserve the protection of our men and women in
uniform.
You need to run away from this war, this country. Leave the war to the
people who have the will to see it through and the country to people who
are willing to defend it.

Our country has two enemies: Those who want to destroy us from the outside
and those who attempt it from within.

Semper Fi,
J. D. Pendry - Sergeant Major, USMC, Retired

This is a savvy man. He has nailed it down pretty well. Too bad it won't
do any good. There won't be 1 in 10 that receive this who will forward it.

There is no crying in Curling, or is there?

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 02:32:00 +0000

There is no crying in Curling!!!!!!! or is there?

Mon Feb 22, 2010 12:48 pm EST

Canadian curling fans leave Danish player in tears

By Chris Chase

A Danish curler was brought to tears after a boisterous Canadian crowd intentionally distracted her during crucial shots in her team's match against the home nation. With the crowd stomping and making deafening noise, Denmark skip Madeleine Dupontmissed two potentially game-winning shots and tearfully blamed the fans for it afterward. Canada won the match 5-4 in an extra end.

Such boorish fan behavior is normally considered unacceptable in the genteel world of curling.

After the match, Dupont told reporters:

"I could not control the weight on the last shot in the 10th. It should have been way slower, but when there are 6,000 people yelling, it's pretty hard to find out how hard you kick off. It's just so hard to focus. You're trying, but it's just not the same as if it was silent.
"If they were yelling this much when Cheryl was throwing, that would be more fair. You can't hear anything. You can't hear what your skip is saying. You can't hear what your sweepers are saying. You just have to do your best under the circumstances – and we did, but it was hard in the 10th."

There's nothing wrong with cheering loudly before and after points, but fans need to respect the etiquette of whichever sport they're watching and act accordingly. A luger knows he's going to hear cowbells ringing while negotiating turns at 90 mph, yet it wouldn't be fair if a spectator rang one during Evan Lysacek's free skate. If a curler is used to silence, a curler deserves silence.

Even the Canadian curling team agrees. Skip Cheryl Bernard said of the boisterous fans at the rink:

"I'm guessing 75 percent in there don't know the game that well and they're just there to cheer. You have to give them something for that, but I think we need to have it a little bit quieter for the opposition because it's uncomfortable for them."

That's more an indictment of the knowledge of fans rather than poor sportsmanship. Canadian fans will have a shot at redemption this week as their team plays in the medal rounds. Hopefully they'll cheer on their hometown teams with passion, just not during the other team's shots.

Michael Phelps Gay? nope.....

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 21:40:00 +0000

MichaelPhelps makes a big announcement... Maybe Yahoo shouldnt have used this picture as the header...... no he is not gay... its just an announcement that he is quitting after the London Olympics

The most decorated athlete in Olympic history began a five-day trip to Vancouver by making a little news of his own. Michael Phelps told reporters that the 2012 London Olympics will be his last and that he won't attempt to repeat his eight gold medal performance in two years.
"I told myself I will not swim over the age of 30, and I will not swim over the age of 30," he said.
Phelps will be 27 at the London Olympics. He has won 14 gold medals in his career, five more than any other athlete. Though he didn't specifically say how many events he'd do in London, five or six would be the most likely (three relays plus two or three individual events).

Tiger the manwhore's full statement

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 16:41:00 +0000

Tiger woods full douchebag statement

Joseph stack suicide note

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 18:51:00 +0000

If you’re reading this, you’re no doubt asking yourself, “Why did this have to happen?” The simple truth is that it is complicated and has been coming for a long time. The writing process, started many months ago, was intended to be therapy in the face of the looming realization that there isn’t enough therapy in the world that can fix what is really broken. Needless to say, this rant could fill volumes with example after example if I would let it. I find the process of writing it frustrating, tedious, and probably pointless… especially given my gross inability to gracefully articulate my thoughts in light of the storm raging in my head. Exactly what is therapeutic about that I’m not sure, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

We are all taught as children that without laws there would be no society, only anarchy. Sadly, starting at early ages we in this country have been brainwashed to believe that, in return for our dedication and service, our government stands for justice for all. We are further brainwashed to believe that there is freedom in this place, and that we should be ready to lay our lives down for the noble principals represented by its founding fathers. Remember? One of these was “no taxation without representation”. I have spent the total years of my adulthood unlearning that crap from only a few years of my childhood. These days anyone who really stands up for that principal is promptly labeled a “crackpot”, traitor and worse.

While very few working people would say they haven’t had their fair share of taxes (as can I), in my lifetime I can say with a great degree of certainty that there has never been a politician cast a vote on any matter with the likes of me or my interests in mind. Nor, for that matter, are they the least bit interested in me or anything I have to say.

Why is it that a handful of thugs and plunderers can commit unthinkable atrocities (and in the case of the GM executives, for scores of years) and when it’s time for their gravy train to crash under the weight of their gluttony and overwhelming stupidity, the force of the full federal government has no difficulty coming to their aid within days if not hours? Yet at the same time, the joke we call the American medical system, including the drug and insurance companies, are murdering tens of thousands of people a year and stealing from the corpses and victims they cripple, and this country’s leaders don’t see this as important as bailing out a few of their vile, rich cronies. Yet, the political “representatives” (thieves, liars, and self-serving scumbags is far more accurate) have endless time to sit around for year after year and debate the state of the “terrible health care problem”. It’s clear they see no crisis as long as the dead people don’t get in the way of their corporate profits rolling in.

And justice? You’ve got to be kidding!

How can any rational individual explain that white elephant conundrum in the middle of our tax system and, indeed, our entire legal system? Here we have a system that is, by far, too complicated for the brightest of the master scholars to understand. Yet, it mercilessly “holds accountable” its victims, claiming that they’re responsible for fully complying with laws not even the experts understand. The law “requires” a signature on the bottom of a tax filing; yet no one can say truthfully that they understand what they are signing; if that’s not “duress” than what is. If this is not the measure of a totalitarian regime, nothing is.

How did I get here?

My introduction to the real American nightmare starts back in the early ‘80s. Unfortunately after more than 16 years of school, somewhere along the line I picked up the absurd, pompous notion that I could read and understand plain English. Some friends introduced me to a group of people who were having ‘tax code’ readings and discussions. In particular, zeroed in on a section relating to the wonderful “exemptions” that make institutions like the vulgar, corrupt Catholic Church so incredibly wealthy. We carefully studied the law (with the help of some of the “best”, high-paid, experienced tax lawyers in the business), and then began to do exactly what the “big boys” were doing (except that we weren’t steeling from our congregation or lying to the government about our massive profits in the name of God). We took a great deal of care to make it all visible, following all of the rules, exactly the way the law said it was to be done.

The intent of this exercise and our efforts was to bring about a much-needed re-evaluation of the laws that allow the monsters of organized religion to make such a mockery of people who earn an honest living. However, this is where I learned that there are two “interpretations” for every law; one for the very rich, and one for the rest of us… Oh, and the monsters are the very ones making and enforcing the laws; the inquisition is still alive and well today in this country.

That little lesson in patriotism cost me $40,000+, 10 years of my life, and set my retirement plans back to 0. It made me realize for the first time that I live in a country with an ideology that is based on a total and complete lie. It also made me realize, not only how naive I had been, but also the incredible stupidity of the American public; that they buy, hook, line, and sinker, the crap about their “freedom”… and that they continue to do so with eyes closed in the face of overwhelming evidence and all that keeps happening in front of them.

Before even having to make a shaky recovery from the sting of the first lesson on what justice really means in this country (around 1984 after making my way through engineering school and still another five years of “paying my dues”), I felt I finally had to take a chance of launching my dream of becoming an independent engineer.

On the subjects of engineers and dreams of independence, I should digress somewhat to say that I’m sure that I inherited the fascination for creative problem solving from my father. I realized this at a very young age.

The significance of independence, however, came much later during my early years of college; at the age of 18 or 19 when I was living on my own as student in an apartment in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. My neighbor was an elderly retired woman (80+ seemed ancient to me at that age) who was the widowed wife of a retired steel worker. Her husband had worked all his life in the steel mills of central Pennsylvania with promises from big business and the union that, for his 30 years of service, he would have a pension and medical care to look forward to in his retirement. Instead he was one of the thousands who got nothing because the incompetent mill management and corrupt union (not to mention the government) raided their pension funds and stole their retirement. All she had was social security to live on.

In retrospect, the situation was laughable because here I was living on peanut butter and bread (or Ritz crackers when I could afford to splurge) for months at a time. When I got to know this poor figure and heard her story I felt worse for her plight than for my own (I, after all, I thought I had everything to in front of me). I was genuinely appalled at one point, as we exchanged stories and commiserated with each other over our situations, when she in her grandmotherly fashion tried to convince me that I would be “healthier” eating cat food (like her) rather than trying to get all my substance from peanut butter and bread. I couldn’t quite go there, but the impression was made. I decided that I didn’t trust big business to take care of me, and that I would take responsibility for my own future and myself.

Return to the early ‘80s, and here I was off to a terrifying start as a ‘wet-behind-the-ears’ contract software engineer... and two years later, thanks to the fine backroom, midnight effort by the sleazy executives of Arthur Andersen (the very same folks who later brought us Enron and other such calamities) and an equally sleazy New York Senator (Patrick Moynihan), we saw the passage of 1986 tax reform act with its section 1706.

For you who are unfamiliar, here is the core text of the IRS Section 1706, defining the treatment of workers (such as contract engineers) for tax purposes. Visit this link for a conference committee report (http://www.synergistech.com/1706.shtml#ConferenceCommitteeReport) regarding the intended interpretation of Section 1706 and the relevant parts of Section 530, as amended. For information on how these laws affect technical services workers and their clients, read our discussion here (http://www.synergistech.com/ic-taxlaw.shtml).

SEC. 1706. TREATMENT OF CERTAIN TECHNICAL PERSONNEL.

(a) IN GENERAL - Section 530 of the Revenue Act of 1978 is amended by adding at the end thereof the following new subsection:

(d) EXCEPTION. - This section shall not apply in the case of an individual who pursuant to an arrangement between the taxpayer and another person, provides services for such other person as an engineer, designer, drafter, computer programmer, systems analyst, or other similarly skilled worker engaged in a similar line of work.

(b) EFFECTIVE DATE. - The amendment made by this section shall apply to remuneration paid and services rendered after December 31, 1986.

Note:

· "another person" is the client in the traditional job-shop relationship.

· "taxpayer" is the recruiter, broker, agency, or job shop.

· "individual", "employee", or "worker" is you.

Admittedly, you need to read the treatment to understand what it is saying but it’s not very complicated. The bottom line is that they may as well have put my name right in the text of section (d). Moreover, they could only have been more blunt if they would have came out and directly declared me a criminal and non-citizen slave. Twenty years later, I still can’t believe my eyes.

During 1987, I spent close to $5000 of my ‘pocket change’, and at least 1000 hours of my time writing, printing, and mailing to any senator, congressman, governor, or slug that might listen; none did, and they universally treated me as if I was wasting their time. I spent countless hours on the L.A. freeways driving to meetings and any and all of the disorganized professional groups who were attempting to mount a campaign against this atrocity. This, only to discover that our efforts were being easily derailed by a few moles from the brokers who were just beginning to enjoy the windfall from the new declaration of their “freedom”. Oh, and don’t forget, for all of the time I was spending on this, I was loosing income that I couldn’t bill clients.

After months of struggling it had clearly gotten to be a futile exercise. The best we could get for all of our trouble is a pronouncement from an IRS mouthpiece that they weren’t going to enforce that provision (read harass engineers and scientists). This immediately proved to be a lie, and the mere existence of the regulation began to have its impact on my bottom line; this, of course, was the intended effect.

Again, rewind my retirement plans back to 0 and shift them into idle. If I had any sense, I clearly should have left abandoned engineering and never looked back.

Instead I got busy working 100-hour workweeks. Then came the L.A. depression of the early 1990s. Our leaders decided that they didn’t need the all of those extra Air Force bases they had in Southern California, so they were closed; just like that. The result was economic devastation in the region that rivaled the widely publicized Texas S&L fiasco. However, because the government caused it, no one gave a shit about all of the young families who lost their homes or street after street of boarded up houses abandoned to the wealthy loan companies who received government funds to “shore up” their windfall. Again, I lost my retirement.

Years later, after weathering a divorce and the constant struggle trying to build some momentum with my business, I find myself once again beginning to finally pick up some speed. Then came the .COM bust and the 911 nightmare. Our leaders decided that all aircraft were grounded for what seemed like an eternity; and long after that, ‘special’ facilities like San Francisco were on security alert for months. This made access to my customers prohibitively expensive. Ironically, after what they had done the Government came to the aid of the airlines with billions of our tax dollars … as usual they left me to rot and die while they bailed out their rich, incompetent cronies WITH MY MONEY! After these events, there went my business but not quite yet all of my retirement and savings.

By this time, I’m thinking that it might be good for a change. Bye to California, I’ll try Austin for a while. So I moved, only to find out that this is a place with a highly inflated sense of self-importance and where damn little real engineering work is done. I’ve never experienced such a hard time finding work. The rates are 1/3 of what I was earning before the crash, because pay rates here are fixed by the three or four large companies in the area who are in collusion to drive down prices and wages… and this happens because the justice department is all on the take and doesn’t give a fuck about serving anyone or anything but themselves and their rich buddies.

To survive, I was forced to cannibalize my savings and retirement, the last of which was a small IRA. This came in a year with mammoth expenses and not a single dollar of income. I filed no return that year thinking that because I didn’t have any income there was no need. The sleazy government decided that they disagreed. But they didn’t notify me in time for me to launch a legal objection so when I attempted to get a protest filed with the court I was told I was no longer entitled to due process because the time to file ran out. Bend over for another $10,000 helping of justice.

So now we come to the present. After my experience with the CPA world, following the business crash I swore that I’d never enter another accountant’s office again. But here I am with a new marriage and a boatload of undocumented income, not to mention an expensive new business asset, a piano, which I had no idea how to handle. After considerable thought I decided that it would be irresponsible NOT to get professional help; a very big mistake.

When we received the forms back I was very optimistic that they were in order. I had taken all of the years information to Bill Ross, and he came back with results very similar to what I was expecting. Except that he had neglected to include the contents of Sheryl’s unreported income; $12,700 worth of it. To make matters worse, Ross knew all along this was missing and I didn’t have a clue until he pointed it out in the middle of the audit. By that time it had become brutally evident that he was representing himself and not me.

This left me stuck in the middle of this disaster trying to defend transactions that have no relationship to anything tax-related (at least the tax-related transactions were poorly documented). Things I never knew anything about and things my wife had no clue would ever matter to anyone. The end result is… well, just look around.

I remember reading about the stock market crash before the “great” depression and how there were wealthy bankers and businessmen jumping out of windows when they realized they screwed up and lost everything. Isn’t it ironic how far we’ve come in 60 years in this country that they now know how to fix that little economic problem; they just steal from the middle class (who doesn’t have any say in it, elections are a joke) to cover their asses and it’s “business-as-usual”. Now when the wealthy fuck up, the poor get to die for the mistakes… isn’t that a clever, tidy solution.

As government agencies go, the FAA is often justifiably referred to as a tombstone agency, though they are hardly alone. The recent presidential puppet GW Bush and his cronies in their eight years certainly reinforced for all of us that this criticism rings equally true for all of the government. Nothing changes unless there is a body count (unless it is in the interest of the wealthy sows at the government trough). In a government full of hypocrites from top to bottom, life is as cheap as their lies and their self-serving laws.

I know I’m hardly the first one to decide I have had all I can stand. It has always been a myth that people have stopped dying for their freedom in this country, and it isn’t limited to the blacks, and poor immigrants. I know there have been countless before me and there are sure to be as many after. But I also know that by not adding my body to the count, I insure nothing will change. I choose to not keep looking over my shoulder at “big brother” while he strips my carcass, I choose not to ignore what is going on all around me, I choose not to pretend that business as usual won’t continue; I have just had enough.

I can only hope that the numbers quickly get too big to be white washed and ignored that the American zombies wake up and revolt; it will take nothing less. I would only hope that by striking a nerve that stimulates the inevitable double standard, knee-jerk government reaction that results in more stupid draconian restrictions people wake up and begin to see the pompous political thugs and their mindless minions for what they are. Sadly, though I spent my entire life trying to believe it wasn’t so, but violence not only is the answer, it is the only answer. The cruel joke is that the really big chunks of shit at the top have known this all along and have been laughing, at and using this awareness against, fools like me all along.

I saw it written once that the definition of insanity is repeating the same process over and over and expecting the outcome to suddenly be different. I am finally ready to stop this insanity. Well, Mr. Big Brother IRS man, let’s try something different; take my pound of flesh and sleep well.

The communist creed: From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.

The capitalist creed: From each according to his gullibility, to each according to his greed.

Joe Stack (1956-2010)

02/18/2010

Obama terror speech 2010

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 01:18:00 +0000

Obamas 2010 terror speech.... easy to understand :}

put to movie

bad day at work

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 04:06:00 +0000

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana .

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn .. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

overheard on vhf 121.5 gaurd radio flight from Europe to Dubai

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 03:54:00 +0000

Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself..'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Site: ( .... total silence)

God bless our troops.
There is something about a Marine that makes other countries listen to reason

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 19:32:00 +0000

Test post #2

joke of the day

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:41:00 +0000

Bracelet at Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'whoops' and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her and he's good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir , what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam . . if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

Poo Poo humor

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 20:27:00 +0000

The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag."

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

Game room

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 20:33:00 +0000

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|

reid bill

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 19:09:00 +0000

the Reid bill (in sections 3403 and 2021) explicitly empowers Medicare to deny treatment based on cost. An Independent Medicare Advisory Board created by the bill—composed of permanent, unelected and, therefore, unaccountable members—will greatly expand the rationing practices that already occur in the program. Medicare, for example, has limited cancer patients' access to Epogen, a costly but vital drug that stimulates red blood cell production. It has limited the use of virtual, and safer, colonoscopies due to cost concerns. And Medicare refuses medical claims at twice the rate of the largest private insurers

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|

Girlscout cookies

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 18:56:00 +0000

. My kids little troop sold 4k worth of girlscout cookies.... didnt they used to have strawberry? I do not like the lemon and the new low fat ones suck..... Caramel delights are the only way to go.

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pregnancy question

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:08:00 +0000

How come when your wife is pregnant her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but nobody rubs your D*** and says good job?

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|

Sauna Time.... this is cool

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 21:03:00 +0000

... SAUNA TIME!!!!!!

Product Features
Canada hemlock woods,8 carbon heaters,chromo therapy lamps,electrical outlet use 110 volt and 15 amps.
lamps inside/outside,main control panel for timer,light ,temperature,oxygen ionizer keep fresh air.
radio AM/FM,CD player,two speakers,temper glass door with S-tyle wood handle.
temperature adjust from low to high,vent to outside right @ ceiling
warranty by Water star for one year of any defect or workmanship.
Product Description
Product Description
great unit release your stress and much more. Dimensions: L.69x W.53x H.75. Electrical outlet use 110 volt with 20 amps
Product Details
Shipping Weight: 420 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
ASIN: B001KEHKBC
Item model number: new series 800S4
Average Customer Review: No customer reviews yet. Be the first.
Amazon.com Sales Rank: #792,003 in Sports & Outdoors (See Bestsellers in Sports & Outdoors)

Shortest Hold up ever....

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:25:00 +0000

Not sure if this was staged or real.

Tekillya Recipe cookies

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:20:00 +0000

Here is a recipe to try in your spare time...

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
Check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
Pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
In a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
Cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
Of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
It loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
A sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
Find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
Over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

disturbing pictures tongue fish and shaving a baby

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 01:17:00 +0000

Shaving the
Baby... WTF!!!!!

or the tongue parasite fish... which is worse?

Jersey Shore LOL

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 21:23:00 +0000

Best Gif I have seen in a while... poor Snooki

ptr scam list, non paying sites

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 02:29:00 +0000

This list was taken from a site that I frequent, after checking the facts and making sure it was p domain, I list it here for the benefit of hubspace users.

mortimas :Read this article then go Here to see reviewed quality paying sites.

Here is a list of non-paying ptr sites. I strongly advise against signing up with these companies. All these sites are either not paying member and/or even call in money, have an extremely bad support (if at all) or beeing ouright scams by cheating search engines with IFrames or use an illegal version of Cash Crusader script. Scammer gladly hush up their fraud by alleged owner changes due to which the user accounts must be put back or it is stated that the new operator does not care about the site and therefore no payouts can be made. In this way the legal responsibility of the webmaster is transferred to a fictitious other person.

The information gathered on this list was produced by members of these sites to be included on the list as

1. Not paying

2. Problems with the site and/or webmaster.

- There are many sites out there which promise emails worth the likes of $5, $50 or $100 and upwards. DO NOT join any of these sites. These are ridiculous attempts to take your money and you will never see a penny. EXCEPTIONS are so called "Redemption Only" sites where you can redeem your money for advertising only.

- Check the advertising price to see if sites selling ads underprice. If for example, the site has 100 members and an email to all costs only $2 for a $10 link, you can clearly see that the site is underselling advertising. 100 members x $10 per member = $1,000. Therefore, the actual cost of the advertisement without taking into account the referral commission, comes to $1,000. If a site sells this link for only $2, the site is sustaining a loss of $988 per advertisement sold. This is only an example but please note that there are sites selling $10, $20 and even links worth hundreds of dollars for just $2 - $3. Basic mathematical skills will show you that such sites are totally unsustainable and therefore, short lived. If you wish to calculate how much the ad should cost, use the Sustainable Calculator.

For reviewed websites and affiliate programs go HERE

HERES the deal! go to THIS SITE for a legitimate way to really make some internet cash, if you are good at getting referals then this is the one!!

[1]

1000clicksptr.com*

1-800-Mail.com

1-dollar-mail.com*

[2]

200dollars-email.com

20dollarsmail.com

200eurocent-200euro.com

200euromails.com

25-dollars-mail.com

2dollaremails.com**

[3]

300dollarsmail.com*

30dollarsmail.com

[4]

400dollarsmail.com*

[5]

500cents-500dollars.org

500pounds-and-500pence.com

50centptr.com"

[6]

[7]

7centsolos.com

7thheavenptr.net

[8]

80euromail.com

[A]

ad-fortune.com

ad-qds.com

adsneed.com

ahacash.com

alwayspay.com

american-mails.com

a-n-cash.com

ans-advertising.com"

apachemails.com""

applemails.com

arcticmails.com

atom-mails.com

[B]

bank-mails.com

bearshare-mails.com*

beautymails.com*

bestflymails.com*

bettybucks.com"

bigdollar-mails

biggestdollars.com

billiondollarmails.com"

blue-maniacs.com*

bluerwebmail.com

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bondjamesbond.net""**

boratmails.com*

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businessptr.com

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camel-mails.com*

cash-kitty.com"""

casheden.com***

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casino-mails.com

catch-cash.com

charm-mail.com*

chicago-ptr.biz

chobitsmails.com

cloudmails.com

closet-clickers.com*

coast-mail.com

cooperativemail.com

cosmicwealth.com**

cosplaymails.com (force searching)

cowboy-mail.com

cream-mails.com

cy-mails.com**

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dallas-ptr.com

deliriouspaidemails.com"

diamond-mails.com

dollar-factory.com

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donkeycash.info*

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forex-mails.com

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gem-mail.com

getor-mails.com

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hellotomy.com""

holiday-mails.com

hollywood-mail.com""

honestmails.com***

husky-mails.com?

(I)

ice-mails.net""

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interptr.com (continues sending mails to canceled member)

invest-mail.com

ippomails.com

iriverptr.com

[J]

jackpot-ads.biz***

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kiddays.com

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lightstarmail.com

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lookingemail.com*

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[T]

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[U]

united-empire.com

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weapon-earnings.info*

welovepay.com

western-clicks.com***(contains an harmful virus, continues sending mails to canceled member)

western-mails.com

[X]

xsc-mail.com*

[Z]

zyseamail.com*

zy-mails.com*

Good paying programs

moneyminder

Gun stuff

amdemd@yahoo.com (mortimas) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 00:47:00 +0000

Gun History

After reading the following historical facts, read the part
about Switzerland twice.

A LITTLE GUN HISTORY
In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control.. From 1929 to 195=,
about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded
up and exterminated.
------------------------------

In 1911, Turkey established gun control. From 1915 to 1917, 1.5 million
Armenians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.
------------------------------

Germany established gun control in 1938 and from 1939 to 1945, a total
of 13 million Jews and others who were unable to defend themselves were
rounded up and exterminated.
------------------------------
China established gun control in 1935. From 1948 to 1952, 20 million
political dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated

------------------------------

Guatemala established gun control in 1964. From 1964 to 1981, 100,000
Mayan Indians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.
------------------------------

Uganda established gun control in 1970. From 1971 to 1979, 300,000
Christians, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated
------------------------------

Cambodia established gun control in 1956. From 1975 to 1977, one million
educated people, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and
exterminated.

-----------------------------
Defenseless people rounded up and exterminated in the 20th Century
because of gun control: 56 million.
------------------------------

It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by
new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by their
own Government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500
million dollars. The first year results are now in:

:

.

Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)!
In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300
percent. Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the
criminals did not, and criminals still possess their guns!

While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in
armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the
past 12 months, since criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is
unarmed.

There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the
ELDERLY. Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public
safety has decreased, after such monumental effort, and expense was
expended in successfully ridding Australian society of guns. The
Australian experience and the other historical facts above prove it.

You won't see this data on the US evening news, or hear politicians
disseminating this information.

Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes,
gun-control laws adversely affect only the law-abiding citizens

Take note my fellow Americans, before it's too late!

The next time someone talks in favor of gun control, please remind them
of this history lesson.

With guns, we are 'citizens.'
Without them, we are 'subjects'.

During WWII the Japanese decided not to invade America because they knew
most Americans were ARMED!

If you value your freedom, please spread this anti-gun control message
to all of your friends.

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more
important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is
supplemental.

SWITZERLAND ISSUES EVERY HOUSEHOLD A GUN!
SWITZERLAND 'S GOVERNMENT TRAINS EVERY ADULT THEY ISSUE A RIFLE.
SWITZERLAND HAS THE LOWEST GUN RELATED CRIME RATE OF ANY

CIVILIZED COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!!!
IT'S A NO BRAINER!
DON'T LET OUR GOVERNMENT WASTE MILLIONS OF OUR TAX DOLLARS
IN AN EFFORT TO MAKE ALL LAW ABIDING CITIZENS AN EASY TARGET.

I'm a firm believer of the 2nd Amendment!
If you are too,
please forward.

Just think how powerful our government is getting!
They think these other countries just didn't do it right.
Learn from history.